Gnostic Angel
by AMBC
Summary: Part three of South Park: Religion Exposed. Our heroes journey to Oregon to find Professor Rhinestone while a new religious figure shows up. The Super Best Friends are gonna be stunned when they see her. Not suitable for those who take religion seriously. Also stars ThreadbareSP's character Charlie. Leave a review after reading.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm halfway there, I just need to do this part and part four and I'm done. This chapter of part three introduces the Order of Religion and the charming character of Miss Anthrope or 'the bitch' as the Super Best Friends prefer to call her and there's a reason why.**

**For those of you, who remember the TV series **_**Malcolm in the Middle**_**, try to imagine Miss Anthrope voiced by the mom in the old series, get that good mental picture in your head.**

**Chapter 1**

_My name is Leopold Stotch, but everyone around me calls me Butters. A few weeks ago just before school ended, a classmate of mine Kenny McCormick was told by his parents and the principal that his grandpa was dead. I also got a strange looking staff by a white robed stranger that same day._

_A few weeks later summer came, the month was June and the fellas and Charlie went off to Greece for Kenny's grandpa's funeral. During the time they were there I used the staff to summon a religious figure named Zoroaster, who was locked away by the government. He was trying to look the scientist Albert Einstein, so with my help, we went off doing that. During our search, we brought Kenny's sister Karen along with us and we met a Greek God; Hermes._

_We also met Jesus, who told us Einstein was dead, poor old Einstein. Then Hermes explained to us that a great crisis was happening in our world, so Jesus took us all to the Hall of the Super Best Friends to alert his religious buddies, but while we were there me, Karen and Hermes were captured by atheists and taken to their headquarters in Denver. Jesus and Zoroaster came to rescue us but then all of us, except Hermes got sucked into a portal that took us to the inside of a temple._

_We explored the temple, hoping to find a way out. Along the way we found one of Jesus' religious buddies, took on a giant stone statue of a troll and met a Temple Lady, who told us that the paintings on the walls were visions. She led us to the main chamber where we fought David Blaine to save more of Jesus' buddies, I was the distraction._

_When we escaped the temple, I was reunited with the fellas and Charlie, but Eric wasn't with them for some reason, also there was another fella with them who looked Greek and Nurse Gollum was there too. A white robed fella told us to go to Oregon back in the States to find a theologist called Professor Rhinestone. He also gave us a pretty looking cube and told the Super Best Friends to protect Karen, but he pooped his pants before he can say why._

_We were then chased by Blaine and the troll statue. Poor Nurse Gollum was captured and Kenny didn't survive. The rest of us managed to escape when Hermes and two other Greek Gods arrived and teleported us away from Blaine and someplace else…someplace only they would know…_

"Did you check the connections!"

"Why isn't it working?"

"We're trying to solve the problem!"

Inside a twenty foot building, members of the Order of Religion were running around, trying franticly to fix something. Giant computers in the back showed images of radar screens

"Ollie, did you fix the radar for the tracking devise?" A female member desperately asked a man in overalls and a panicky face.

"I'm trying," Ollie said nervously, "it doesn't make sense though, the thing is working but the signal is lost. Oh God, she's gonna be majorly pissed by this…"

He rushed to the door to get out of the meeting room, but then the door opened and hit Ollie in the face and a woman in dark grey cloths, with jet black hair entered the room.

"All right," She said in a demanding voice, "where's that little piss-ass mechanic gone to?"

"Here…" Ollie said weakly behind the door.

"Ollie, can you explain to me why one of our tracking devises aren't working, and it better be a good explanation not another of your crappy excuses."

"W-well Miss Anthrope, it's a bit of a funny story…"

Static came out of the monitor, Vosknocker frowned at this.

"Well that can't be right." Vosknocker muttered as he held the monitor to his ear.

"What's going on." The General asked.

"It appears that the P-chip is experiencing a malfunction."

"P-chip?"

"That's the name of the chip I implanted in the religious figure." Vosknocker frowned when he figured out the problem, "Now _that _is unusual."

"What?"

"It seems that the chip is still working but something is preventing it from letting us hear more of the religious figures' surroundings. It's like he disappeared off the face of the earth.

It was the General's turn to frown, "That doesn't make sense. Where could he be if he's not on earth?"

Miss Anthrope pinned Ollie to the wall, "What do you mean Gollum's been kidnapped?"

"I-I'm trying to make this as similar as possible," Ollie stammered, "from what I heard Gollum was captured by some stone statue of a troll in Iraq while looking for the religious figures there. They were found there all right and somehow managed to escape.

"And where are they now?"

"I don't know. The tracking devise we implanted in one of religious figures is working but something is preventing us from finding their location. It's like they disappeared off the face of the earth.

"Well where the hell could they be if they're not on earth?" Miss Anthrope demanded.

**That's that chapter. The chip inside Zoroaster is called a P-chip for a reason you know.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The three Olympians; Apollo, Hermes and Artemis rose from the clouds before the golden gates that led to their domain.

"Everyone alright?" Hermes asked as Stan Marsh popped up from the clouds.

"Dude, where are we?" He asked as his friends; Kyle Bloflovski and Charlie Pierzynski appeared beside him.

"You're in our domain," Apollo explained, "off the face of the earth."

"Your domain?" Andrew suddenly appeared, "You mean we're in…_Olympus_?"

"Yes or least, we're at the entrance." Artemis replied. Karen McCormick then popped up from the clouds and ran beside her brother's friends. Seeing Karen made Stan realise something.

"Hey, where's Butters?"

"And where's the Super Best Friends? Kyle added as the two friends looked around.

"Right here." Jesus responded as he and the other Super Best Friends popped up from the clouds.

"Oh good, you're here," Said Hermes, "for a minute there, we thought you'd wind up in the other domains."

"How can you say that when you guys were the ones who brought us here?" Kyle asked.

"Teleportation can be a bitch at times," Zoroaster answered as he appeared, "if not used correctly, it can take you to random places you don't want to go to."

"Ah jeez, I don't feel so good." Butters Stotch groaned as he clutched his stomach.

"You're not use to letting magic do the assisting," Apollo explained, "there's a term for what we deities use to describe getting woozy by magic. It's called 'spell sickness'."

"That's a good one." Jesus chuckled.

Just then the golden gates creaked open, revealing the majestic temple ahead of them, "Dammit, I really need to get these things checked and oiled." A Greek God in brown robes, a paper bag over his head and carrying a walking stick muttered.

"Hephaestus, you were standing there the whole time?" Artemis asked.

"Zeus sent told me to stay at the gates and open them when you three returned," The God of Metalwork looked at the group behind them, "and it looks like you brought company as well."

"We had to make a side stop in Iraq before heading back," Hermes explained, "it was where the half-mortals were."

"Makes perfect sense."

"You all read about Hephaestus, the smith God and one of the Olympians?" Apollo asked the group

"In a way," Said Zoroaster, "I know I shouldn't ask but what's with the paper bag?"

"It all started years ago, when the Golden Age still existed," Hephaestus explained, "I was born with a hideously deformed face that made me an outcast in Olympus. It wasn't until I found my talents in the blacksmiths that I was ranked an Olympian, one of the most respected Gods of the Greek Deities."

"But you're still ugly and we insist you wear that bag." Hermes said plainly, "anyway, are the others inside?"

"Yes, they're all waiting for your return."

"Right, let's head to the Centre Temple," He turned to the group, "come with us.

"Wow, we're gonna meet them," Andrew said excitedly, "the Olympians. We're actually going to meet them."

"Dude, try to calm down, we're in the presence of holy guys." Kyle replied. He looked at Charlie and noticed that she was looking at the ground and keeping her distance from the Super Best Friends.

"So this Centre Temple, is that like a temple where you all meet or something?" Jesus asked.

"The Centre Temple isn't just a meeting place for us, it's for all the Greek Deities," Hermes explained, "it's also the place where we can monitor different parts of the Mortal World. Zeus uses the temple as his private study when we're not meeting in it."

"We just have a giant computer back home." The Hindu Deity Krishna replied.

"Watch your step." Said Artemis.

"How can there be steps? We're on fricking clouds!" Zoroaster exclaimed.

"Clouds aren't stable; you just never know when they'll move."

"…Are you fucking serious…?"

"Don't worry." Hephaestus assured the prophet, "These clouds are enchanted. They'll only move when we're all at the Centre Temple and fully off them."

"That's one way of putting it."

"Is anyone else in that temple?" Stan asked.

"Some of the Olympians I presume," Said Apollo, "I know Zeus and Hestia will definitely be there and hopefully, they haven't fully run out of options."

"I'm out of options," Said Zeus to the other Olympians, "I honestly don't know what to do anymore. If we stay here and do nothing, the Mortal World will perish and if we get involved, then we'll just end up breaking the Deity Peace Treaty which is a serious offence."

"We aren't completely lost," Said Hestia and then she spoke a phrase in the Ancient Greek language of their time that Zeus and the other Olympians understood.

"That phrase is true." Said Aphrodite.

Zeus nodded, "You always say that when we give up, but even if you say it, how can we know?"

"Zeus!" Everyone turned to find Hermes, Apollo, Hephaestus and Artemis walking up the stairs to the sphere room.

"The task is done," Said Artemis, "Hermes has been rescued and brought back here safely."

"Well that's the first bit of good news I heard in a while," Said Zeus.

"That's not the only bit of good news we have with us," Apollo replied, "we also brought them with us."

"Them?" and then it struck Zeus, "You mean…?"

"That's right," Hermes answered, "We found the chosen half-mortals and we brought them here."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The Olympians stared at the Super Best Friends in disbelief. Kyle was starting to get the sense that the silence was getting uncomfortable.

"The Super Best Friends are a group of religious figures." Zeus said incredulously.

"Zeus that's the fifth time you said that," Said Hermes, "I know it's hard to believe but yes, the Super Best Friends are not human immortals per-say…"

"The only difference is that we can't die." The Mormon prophet Joseph Smith added.

"Great comeback," Zoroaster muttered before addressing the Olympians, "just so you all know I'm not a Super Best Friend. I only just somehow got dragged into all…this and ended up with these guys."

"Sure you did," Zeus said unconvinced, "keep talking and I'll zap you and what about the mortal children?" He pointed to the three boys and two girls, "Why did you bring them?"

"They were with the religious figures when we found them," Apollo explained, "We believe that they're accomplices."

"Tell me," Athena looked at the kids, "are you all human immortals?"

"What-no!" Said Stan, "We're just normal ten-year old kids who are in the fourth grade."

"_Still_?" Jesus asked.

"They may be religious figures but they have the potential of helping us," Hestia told Zeus, "our agent said so and besides, who else are you going to turn to?"

Zeus thought for a moment, "Good point."

"Excuse me," Zoroaster intervened, "but can someone tell us the reason why you brought us here."

"Yes, of course," Said Hestia as she addressed the group, "here's the situation; a few weeks ago, the black knights, the Tenebris returned from the grave."

"Tenebris?" Andrew screamed in alarm, "Y-you mean that the enemies of Alethea are back."

"Dude, weren't those the same knights you told us about?" Stan asked the Greek boy.

"Y-yeah and n-now they're back," Andrew stammered, "I hope Alethea is okay."

"Your village was invaded yesterday." Apollo said plainly.

"Wh-what?"

"Dude how do you know that?" Kyle asked.

"Apart from being the God of Music, I'm also the God of Prophecy, so I can see into the past and future."

"I just know the elements, mainly fire." Zoroaster muttered.

"The Pura Fides did say that these were difficult times." Said Kyle. He then realised that what he said caught the attention of the Olympians.

"The Pura Fides?" Athena asked, "You all met the Pura Fides?"

"Well, it was just the three boys and the girl." Smith said although he was unsure about Charlie's gender, "You…are a girl…right?"

"That doesn't matter," Athena waved a hand dismissively, "we know the Pura Fides through the founder and namesake of Alethea and if the children met them then they must have been told something important."

"Does it matter?" Charlie asked irritably.

"Yes, we'll be able to know any important information you were given."

"Why don't ask them?," She pointed a finger at the Super Best Friends, "They were in that temple too!"

"We were in a separate part," Said Jesus, "and you're not helping by not being cooperative."

"Excuse me if I didn't ask to be a part of this," Charlie snapped, "in fact I don't want to be a part of this at all!" With that, she stormed out of the temple.

"…I can't but feel that she doesn't want to be near us." Said Buddha.

"Yeah, I think she's kind of pissed that she was wrong about you guys not existing." Stan explained.

"We did not know that." Said Jesus.

"To be honest, that was sort of a bitch belief." Hermes added.

Kyle sighed, "I'll go and talk to her, see if I can make her understand that you all need us."

"You might need a hatchet while you're at it." Artemis exclaimed as Kyle walked out of the temple.

"Moving on," Zeus turned to the group, "did the Pura Fides tell anything important? Anything that could help us stop the Tenebris."

"I don't think they talked about the Tenebris at all," Explained Stan, "all they told us was the reason they existed and something about some keeper…"

"The Keeper of the Keystones," Zeus murmured, "The protector of the Keystones of Babylon. It has been a long time since the keystones and their keeper became involved."

"Was there anything else?" Asked Athena.

"Well…" Jesus took over, "Their leader did give us one of those keystone things before…voiding his bowels…for the last time"

"He told us not to let Dark Matter get it." Said Stan as he took the keystone out of his coat pocket and showed it to the Olympians.

"Dark Matter eh?" Zeus wondered aloud, "I think we may have identified the true master mind behind all this."

"He told us to protect the keystone from Dark Matter. He also told the Super Best Friends to protect Karen."

"Karen?" Hestia asked.

"Yeah, she's the little girl hiding behind me?" Butters gestured toward Karen. The Goddess stared intently at Karen in deep thought, but the other Olympians focused on Stan.

"Mortal boy, was there one more thing he said?" Asked Zeus.

"Yeah, he told us all to look for some former member named Rhinestone in Oregon."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

Zeus hummed slightly as he took in what Stan said.

"Um fellas," Butters said, "the Greek lady won't stop looking at me."

"The splitting image…" Hestia murmured as she looked at Karen rather than Butters, "I wonder…"

"Hestia?" Zeus asked.

Hestia quickly looked away, "It's nothing." She said hastily.

"Zeus faltered slightly before looking at the group, "You may leave this room. Do not come back until us Olympians have made a decision and call you all back. Hermes will tell you then."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Charlie slumped on the edge of a fountain, her hands on her knees and resting her chin in them in deep thought. Everything happened so fast in the past sixteen hours and in those hours; she discovered that everything she believed about holy beings was wrong. She groaned and shook her head; she hadn't felt like this since she still lived with her real mom.

It didn't take her long to realise that she was not alone. Looking up she saw her boyfriend approaching him, neither of them spoke for a few minutes.

"Hey." He said after a while.

"Hey."

He sat down beside her, "this is a nice fountain."

"Yeah, I found it when I was leaving the temple."

Kyle nodded, "You know this place is kind of nice when you look at it a second time."

"I guess…," Charlie then looked at Kyle, "but that's not the reason why you're here."

Kyle took a deep breath, carefully deciding what to say next, "Look Charlie, maybe your belief isn't real but that doesn't mean you should feel resentful about it. A lot of people have been wrong in the past but they moved on."

"Kyle, these are religious figures we're talking about. _Religious figures_." She repeated, "Unlike normal beliefs, this one sticks on you and you can't get rid of it. Everything I thought was true wasn't." She glared at Kyle, "And you knew they were real, didn't you?"

"Kyle sighed, "Yes I admit it. We met on a couple of occasions but luckily they don't get many appearances so the chances of seeing them often were very slim. Well Jesus we met a few times but he appeared less as time went by." He stopped talking when Charlie turned to look the other way. He frowned slightly, Zeus was right about one thing; the villain Dark Matter is looking for the keystones, the ancient relics that could have an effect on the world and whatever that effect was, it can't be good, and if him and his friends were going to stop Dark Matter they needed the support of Charlie.

"You don't have to do this for them." Charlie turned to look at her boyfriend, "What?"

"Dark Matter is the bad guy Charlie," Kyle explained, "we've seen what he's capable of and he won't rest until he gets his hands on all the keystones. If he does, everyone on this planet may be in danger."

"Even Becca?" Charlie asked with worry, "And Davy?"

"Including them." Davy was Charlie's infant brother who lived in Denver. Although Charlie rarely saw Davy, she still worried about him, "All I'm saying is that if we're gonna stop Dark Matter we need to work together as a team. Yes, the Super Best friends will be with us but you don't have to do this for them. Do this for our families."

Charlie thought for a moment at what Kyle said, "How do I know you're not saying this just to make me go easy on them."

"Don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you," Said Charlie as she took Kyle's hand, "alright, I'll do it, for our families."

"Great," Exclaimed Kyle as he stood up, "we should go find the others and see what they're up to."

"Charlie nodded, "Right, let's go."

As Charlie walked on ahead, Kyle looked over his shoulder at the temple behind the fountain, grape vines growing around it. Although there was only him and Charlie, at the back of his mind, Kyle couldn't help but feel someone was eavesdropping on their conversation.

"I wonder what the less famous people are doing right now." Zoroaster muttered as he sat on a rock on the roof of the vine spreading temple. He watched the Super Best Friends listening in on Kyle and Charlie's conversation from the roof.

"Th-this isn't a place for _hic_ sightseeing you know," A Greek God in deep brown robes and grape vines around his head slurred. He held a golden cup in his hand, "and where's Iris with my five bucks."

"We won't be much longer," Jesus replied, "we just need to be assured of something and then we're gone."

"Why can't it just be something we have to put up with?" Zoroaster asked, "So the girl thought we didn't exist. There're a lot of people out there who think we don't exist these days."

"Yeah but don't forget; she's as much involved in this as the other children are," Jesus explained, "and if we're going to function properly, we all need to be in this together."

"I didn't ask to be a part of this you know." Zoroaster muttered under his breath.

"That's the problem with _hic_ mortals these days," The Greek God said, "they believe what they want to believe, one minute they're kissing your feet, looking up to you for help, the next minute they're moving on in their lives, thinking that they can get on well without us."

"…Are you drunk?" Asked Zoroaster.

"They say the same thing you know." The Greek God replied as he squeezed grape juice into his cup, "I was once an _hic_ Olympian until I got sacked _hic."_

"You're Dionysus," Said Jesus, "the God of whine."

"Oh good, someone a crap _hic_ about reading me," Said Dionysus, "I was stripped of my title as Olympian _hic_ and that long after the Golden Age and the Deity _hic_ Peace Treaty was signed. Why the hell did those sons of bitches _hic_ sacked me anyway."

"I'm sure they had their reasons," Said Zoroaster, though seeing this God drunk beyond annoyance may have given him an idea why. He turned to the Super Best Friends, "Can you guys hurry this up? This guy's babbling is really starting to get me pissed."

"You didn't have to come with us you know." Buddha said plainly.

"Hey, I wasn't going to stay and look after a few kids alright. I'm a religious figure, not a babysitter."

"Alright, they're finished," Said Smith as he stood up.

"So what happened?" Asked Jesus.

"Well the good news is Kyle convinced the girl, whose name is Charlie to help us," Smith explained, "though I think it's going to take a while for her to trust us and I'm pretty sure Kyle had a sense that we were listening."

"Charlie," Dionysus exclaimed, "that's a _hic _bitch move on how to your kid. Is it suppose to be _hic_ funny and cute or something?"

"No," Said Jesus, "I think it's a nickname for Charlotte."

"Yeah, and it isn't polite to be eavesdropping as well." Hermes hovered over the Super Best Friends.

"How long were you floating there?" Asked Jesus.

"Long enough to listen to you all learning about what those kids were talking about."

"Hey Hermes," Dionysus slurred, "Do I get my position as Olympian back?"

"Dionysus you ask me that every time I come to your temple," Said Hermes, "and the answer is no, not until you learn to stop getting drunk all the time."

"I'm not drunk _hic_ I'm just got a foggy mind and excuse me if I'm disliked."

"It's not you we don't like," Hermes replied, "it's your drinking." He then turned to the Super Best Friends, "anyway, the Olympians want you all back at the Centre Temple."

"Oh thank God, are we gonna be sent back to earth or what?" Asked Zoroaster.

"You will, but first Zeus wants to talk to all about the task you were assigned. Follow me."

"If you see Iris, tell her that I'm still _hic_ waiting for my five bucks." Dionysus called out as the Super Best Friends exited the roof.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Alright, here's the situation," Zeus addressed the group when they returned to the Centre Temple, "as you learned the mortal Dark Matter is gathering the Keystones of Babylon for something that could endanger the Mortal World and the Tenebris has invaded Alethea."

"Wait, if you guys are all concerned about this then why can't you do it?" Stan asked.

"Because stupid, after the Deity Peace Treaty was signed it became forbidden to get involved in mortal affairs for us, and that's where they," Zeus pointed to the Super Best Friends, "come in."

"What do you mean?" Asked Jesus.

"We can't get involved in mortal affairs but you all can. You were given the task to find the mortal Rhinestone and that is just what you will do. Journey back to the mortal world and go to Oregon and find Rhinestone. He may tell you about our connection with the village and if you're lucky, he may tell about Dark Matter's plans as well."

"I'm not a Super Best Friend but do I still have to go with them?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yes."

"Shit."

"Iris, the Goddess of Rainbows will take you all back to the Mortal World," Said Athena, "you will find her in a temple that is covered in spectrum colours. Hermes will take you there."

A woman the size of a fairy, with spectrum wings and a spectrum dress was reading a manual on teleportation when Hermes came in.

"Iris, are you in here?" The messenger God asked.

"I'm pretty sure the outside of this temple made my eyes dance." Zoroaster muttered as he and the rest of the group entered the temple.

"Hello to you all," The fairy sized woman said cheerfully, "welcome to the Temple of Iris. I believe these are the mortal children and religious figures that I've been told to bring back to their world."

Zoroaster snorted a laugh, "Who's the pipsqueak with the wings?" The fairy bashed him in the head with her staff, "How dare you make fun of my size? Never judge someone by their appearance!"

"The Goddess that just hit you with her staff is Iris." Hermes replied calmly before turning to the rest of the group, "Whatever you do, don't insult her size."

"…Dude." Murmured Stan. He knew that if Cartman were with them he would've got a bashing from Iris non-stop.

"I was expecting a much more respected greeting then that, particularly if it is a religious figure," Iris exclaimed, "has the Mortal World made the religious figures crasser, more ignorant like the mortals themselves or do mortals no longer have manners?"

"Well I think it's a bit of both," Said Hermes, "the latest millennia has thought mortals that manners is a complete waste of time."

Iris hummed slightly, "Now I'm not so sure about bringing this lot back to their world."

"You'd be doing them a huge favour by bringing them back." Hermes then pointed to Zoroaster, "Unless you want to hear more of what this guy has to say about your size."

"Why are you bringing me into this?" The prophet asked.

Iris huffed, "That is worse. Alright, I'll bring them back, but you all are too ignorant to do your task then you don't deserve my help again."

"Fair enough." Said Jesus.

"And just so we're clear, I'm not doing this for you guys, I'm doing this for my friends and family." Charlie told the Super Best Friends.

"You're a lot of fun, glad you're coming with us." Zoroaster said sarcastically.

"Hang on," Said Hermes, "before you go, there's something you should have." He held in his hands a pure silver bell that was encrusted with gems.

"What's that?" Kyle asked.

"It's an Olympian bell. If you ever want to return to Olympus just ring it."

"We'll keep that in mind," Said Zoroaster as he took the bell, "so let's do this thingy."

"You mean go to Oregon and find Rhinestone?" Asked Jesus.

"Yeah sure whatever."

"I can already tell that the ignorance is kicking in," Iris muttered as she fiddled with beads that glowed different colours, "these orbs will take you to any state in America, like Montana, Arizona or even Colorado. Ah yes…Colorado, the mortals in that state are full of ignorant bastards."

"I don't see a nametag," Said Kyle, "so which one will take us to Oregon?"

"I find the bead that will send you to Oregon," Said Iris, "you see, I have trained myself to know which orb is which without nametags-what are you doing?"

Zoroaster was holding a yellow orbs in his hand, "Should we try just choosing a state based on the colour of their flags, it can happen."

"Put that down!" Iris screamed, "Those orbs can be highly unstable. If it drops you will all be teleported to one of the states!"

"Okay first of all, I don't take being bossed around lightly," Zoroaster retorted, "and secondly, the orb didn't fall, it's perfectly secured-oops." He accidently dropped the orb where it smashed to the ground. Smoke and sparks escaped from it.

"Oh this can't be good." Said Buddha.

"You idiot!" Iris screeched, "Now you're going to end up somewhere else and not in Oregon."

The smoke and sparks surrounded the group and in a flash of light they were gone, leaving Hermes, who flew out of the way, staring at the shattered orb.

"Hopefully the state they'll all end up in isn't far from Oregon." Hermes said to himself. He looked around and realised that Iris wasn't here.

"Dude, I don't think we're in Olympus anymore." Kyle said as he looked around the town they were in.

"Well, at least we're in civilisation again." Stan replied.

"I'll have you know Olympus is a civilisation as well," Said Iris, "the difference is we aren't ignorant."

"What are you doing here?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Thanks to you, I am stuck in the Mortal World and I have no way of getting back to Olympus."

"And we have no idea where we are." Said Jesus.

"Does that sign give us a clue?" Butters pointed to a sign that said '**Silver City, New Mexico**'.

"Shit we're in the Spanish speaking state," Zoroaster replied before getting bashed in the head by Iris.

"I warned you!" She shouted, "I told you not to touch the orbs! I told you they were unstable! I told you that only I can tell them apart!"

"…So what do we do now?" Asked Seaman as Iris continued bashing Zoroaster, "How do we get to Oregon?"

"I don't know Seamen." Jesus answered and he and the other Super Best Friends burst out laughing.

"It's Sea-man!"

"Dude I hate my life." Muttered Stan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"This car has a roof opening, cup holders and a place to hide your cigarettes." The car clerk explained.

"I'll take it." Kyle's Canadian brother Ike exclaimed.

"Excellent! Do have a card or cash."

"My card's right here."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Good news general," Said Vosknocker, "the P-chip is working again."

"Well that keeps me from blowing up the moon," The General replied, "put it on the table.

The doctor placed the monitor on the table and switched it on. Over mild static, a female voice was heard, _"I told you! I told you! I told you! I told you!"_

"_Okay stop, stop!" _The voice of Zoroaster emitted from the monitor, _"I get it, I screwed up, but we can still get to Oregon. We just need to get a train from here to Oregon and things will be fine."_

"_Silver City no longer has a train station." _Another male voice exclaimed.

"_Well we could always rent a caravan."_ A child's voice that sounded meek said.

"_Butters that is probably the smartest thing you said in the last few days."_ Said Zoroaster.

"_Knowledge can come from anything." _Another male voice that sounded foreign said.

"_Shut up Buddha!" _a forth male voice yelled.

"Buddha?" The General said, "So the religious figures have somehow arrived from their base in Babylon back in America."

"I'm curious general," Said Vosknocker, "why did you lock a religious figure away from the public for 64 years?"

"It was more the government's choice then mine," The General explained, "I don't fully know the details behind it all but I think it had something to do with preventing a national controversy."

"The things the government would do to keep order in our nation," Vosknocker exclaimed, "sometimes I wonder if we humans followed the government blindly and if it were a mistake to keep the religious figure away from the outside world, to not be allowed to adapt to our own time."

"_Look a gas station, and it sells caravans." _Another child's voice was heard. It had a barely noticeable New York accent.

"Believe what you want Vosknocker, my priority is finding the religious figure." Said the general as he listened in on the conversation.

"_Eh excuse me sir, can we buy a caravan?" _The male voice from earlier asked.

"…_Qu__ē?" _A Spanish person, sounding was heard over the monitor.

"_Oh are you kidding me, can, we, buy, a, caravan?"_

"…_Quē?"_

"_Son of a…Krishna can I have your Spanish dictionary for a minute?"_

"_I didn't bring it with me." _A new voice, also foreign with an exotic tang to it spoke from the monitor.

"_I think I should take over from here." _Zoroaster replied and the next few sentences he spoke in were in fluent Spanish to whoever they were talking to. That person spoke something in agreement in Spanish.

"_I got us a caravan." _Zoroaster said proudly in English again.

"_Dude since when did you speak Spanish?" _The exotic voice asked.

"_If you guys are surprised that I speak Spanish you should also see talking in other languages. Anyway, that's another story for another day; right now let's just get to Oregon."_

"My God, they got the Spanish under their command!" The General exclaimed, "That's it, I'm nuking them!"

"General no!" Yelled Vosknocker, "Think about what you're doing! We don't know for sure if the religious figures are plotting something or not! You could damage millions of lives for nothing!"

"Doing nothing isn't an option either! I can't just sit here and let them get away with what they're doing! I'm gonna nuke them and that's final!" Suddenly someone smashed a vase over the General's head and he fell unconscious.

Five minutes later.

"This isn't personal general," Vosknocker explained through a locked closet, "I just didn't think it was worth the risk jumping to conclusions and releasing missiles on random areas. Besides, if you wait a minute, you may find that the religious figures are doing what they're doing for a reason that has good intentions."

"Vosknocker, get me out of here!" The General shouted from the other side of the closet.

"Right well, clearly you need some time to cool down…"

"When I get out of here, I'm gonna rip your fucking head off!"

"Okay, a lot of time to cool down." Vosknocker replied.

"I've worked with the guy for twenty years and I always wanted to do that." A specialist who was holding the rim of a vase told the doctor.

Dark Matter seethed angrily as he held his phone up to his ear. He was packing his suitcase for Greece when he got a call from David Blaine and he wasn't liking the results.

"I honestly don't know what happened," Blaine replied hastily on the phone, "I had them one minute but when I went to get them, they vanished."

"You idiot!" Dark Matter shouted, "I hired you to kill the Super Best Friends, not throw a reunion for them! Can't you get that straight!"

Well, I thought that if they were all together, they would be getten rid of twice as quickly."

"Why the hell did you plan that?" Dark Matter asked softly, almost disturbingly, "You should know that if one of them is alone, they are fairly defeatable but they're together, they are unstoppable. Did you know that or did you not learn from the encounter you had with them?"

"Well all isn't fully lost," Said Blaine, "I got one of the Order of Religion members-"

"I don't care about them I just care about getting rid of the Super Best friends!"

"I understand. If you could just give me another chance-"

"No, forget it!" yelled Dark Matter, "I already hired someone else to get rid of them and I'm confident that he'll do a much better job at it then you did!"

With that he hung up on Blaine and typed a number for another call. The phone ringed in his ear until the person he was phoning got the call, "Hello?"

"Hello Brutos? This is Dark Matter. The summer solstice is coming in a day's time, the Super Best Friends are still alive and I'm on the verge of losing it."

"So the magician screwed up." Said Brutos. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"You have no idea." Dark Matter noticed that something was off about Brutos' voice, "You don't sound like yourself. Do you have a cold or something?"

"Someone opened a door on me and broke my nose," Brutos explained over the phone, "nothing serious. Anyway, I know where the Super Best Friends are. They're heading northwest, from New Mexico to Oregon."

"However they got back to the States, I don't know and somehow don't care. Can you get to them and kill them."

"I'm a religious figure hunter," Said Brutos, "it's what I do. Just tell me which method I should use to kill them and I'll do it."

"I don't care how you kill them!" Dark Matter shouted, "Drown them, run them over, crack open their skulls for all I care! I just want those holy beings to _stay_ dead!"

Brutos thought for a moment before coming up with an idea, "Ever heard of a conch shell?"

Dark Matter stood in stunned silence, "Have I heard…Yes! What kind of question is that?"

"In that case, I know just the thing that'll keep them from resurrecting."

"Alright fine!" Dark Matter exclaimed, "You know what you're doing. You're the expert on this type of thing. Just call me when all or one of them is dead. Oh and Brutos…don't even think about repeating Blaine's mistake."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Let me get this straight," Said Stan as he clutched the steering wheel, "I'm driving us all the way to Oregon because none of the Super Best Friends can drive?"

"Some of us never really had the time to get drivers licenses." Said Jesus.

"And what about you?" Stan asked Zoroaster who was sitting in the seat next to him, "How come you can't drive?"

"I've been in government lockdown for 64 years," Said Zoroaster, "when you've been locked away for that long; you miss out on some of the exciting things in life. Besides, what's the big deal? You're ten and you're doing a good job driving."

"That's not what I'm nervous about." Said Stan.

"If it's any consolation, we're going in the right direction," Said Jesus as he looked at a map, "according to this map, if you keep driving down this road, we should be able to get to Albany in Oregon by nightfall."

"And if not?" Asked Andrew.

"Then Zoroaster has screwed us over."

"Fuck you!" Yelled Zoroaster, "Also, you assholes still owe me that reason for why you didn't tell me earlier that you have powers!"

"We thought you knew." Buddha said simply.

Zoroaster glared at the Super Best Friends for a moment, "I'm not psychic, I couldn't tell if you guys had powers or not. Yes, I do know the elements, but that's all I'm good at."

"Elements?" Butters asked, "You mean fire isn't your main power?"

"Yes, I'm a sorcerer of the elements. The archangels taught me them when I became a prophet, but that's a different story."

"Aren't sorcerers evil?" Asked Kyle.

"Not all of them," Said Zoroaster, "there were a lot of sorcerers in the village that I grew up in and there were a few who used their powers for good. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon was still standing back then."

"Wait," Said Kyle, "you're saying that the Hanging Gardens of Babylon actually existed?"

"Yes."

"God-dammit!"

"What's wrong with a fallen temple existing?" Smith asked, confused by Kyle's sudden outburst.

"Because if it exists, it means that Cartman's stupid theory about the Hanging Gardens of Babylon existing is true!"

"Cartman…isn't he the fat, racist, foul-mouthed, sociopathic boy that hangs around with you?" Asked Jesus.

"Yes! That Cartman!"

"If he's the one who was right about the Babylon temple existing, then he must be a smart kid." Zoroaster said thoughtfully.

"What would happen if he found out he was right?" Asked Jesus.

"He'd probably force me to suck his balls or something!" Exclaimed Kyle, "He wouldn't let me get away with it this time if he found out!"

"…Is he gay for you?" Asked Krishna.

"To be honest, we don't know if Cartman even understands love." Said Charlie.

"Oh so _now_ you have a conversation with us." Said Zoroaster.

"Just because I can't bring myself to help you, doesn't mean I can't have conversations with people."

"You know Charlotte…" Jesus began.

"It's Charlie actually." Interrupted Charlie.

"…Like a nickname or…"

"No, it's my birth name. My mom gave that name to it."

"That was a bitch on her part." Zoroaster exclaimed.

"It was," Said Jesus, "look Charlie, we don't want to push our existence on you, but you can't change the fact that we're here, right in front of your eyes."

Dude, no matter what you say, I will never warm up to you guys!"

"That was a waste of words," Said Zoroaster to Jesus before turning to Charlie, "you know you're gonna have to put your faith in us sooner or later. You can't avoid us forever."

"Unless you fall asleep at the sound of your screams." Said Butters.

Everyone stared at the puffball and thought about what he said, "Is there a history of child abuse in your family or something?" Asked Zoroaster.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry about the day gap, I had my cousins over for a double sleepover so this is why this chapter is a bit delayed. The next chapter will introduce many surprises, I promise.**

**The last few chapters make a reference to 'Fall of the House of Pierzynski' an episode by ThreadbareSP. 'How Many Miles From Babylon' also contain a reference to a ThreadbareSP episode if you read one of the earlier chapters.**

**Chapter 8**

"None of these don't make any sense…" Eisen muttered as he looked over old journal, "why do you mention the Olympians in this…?"

"I'm telling ya, that coffee machine ain't negotiating," Rhinestone muttered to himself as he entered the tent, "Eisen, you've been in here all day. Did something in that journal catch your eye?"

"Kind of," Eisen replied, "I've been reading more of the journal, hoping to find out more about the invention gap…"

"Invention gap?"

"Yeah it's a theory I made up to describe the devise Einstein hid in his house. You know the devise that may be connected to the existence of religious figures?"

"…Makes sense." Said Rhinestone as he sat in the seat opposite of Eisen.

"Anyway, I've been more entries and some of them talk about Abraham knowing the Greek Olympians."

"Abraham…" Rhinestone said thoughtfully, "isn't he the patriarch of all those religions that came from Israel?"

"Christian, Jewish and Muslim mainly," Eisen said, "the journal also talks about Abraham having a daughter and a secret society called the Pura Fides."

"It's rare but not unheard of for famous people to have kids they don't talk about," Said Rhinestone, "and I'm flattered that the guy mentioned my old secret club."

"You were a member of this Pura Fides?" Asked Eisen.

"Once upon a time. Not many people know it exits and the people that do know it exists are mainly the members."

"Well, if you're a former member, then do you might know what this journal is talking about?" Eisen asked after thinking about what Rhinestone said.

"As much as I love to tell you everything I know about the Pura Fides I can't," Rhinestone answered, "I'm saving that for when the religious figures come. No doubt they're curious about their own second existence just as much as we theologists are, and they'll come looking for us for answers."

"Yeah, but shouldn't we be out there looking for them by now?" Asked Eisen.

""That won't be necessary," Rhinestone replied with a smile, "I have a feeling that they'll come to us."

"So this is Albany," Said Butters as the group looked around the town, "ho boy, this place sure looks pretty at night."

"Can you stop talking for like, five minutes?" Asked Zoroaster, "I really need some quiet time right now."

"No time for that," Said Jesus, "We still need to find Rhinestone and figure out what's going on."

"We don't even know where he is in this state! For all we know, he could be in some other town!"

"Now's not the time for negativity," Jesus exclaimed, "all we have to do is explore the town a bit and question anyone who might know Rhinestone."

"As soon as this is all over, I'm gonna catch a flight that'll take me far away from this country as possible." Zoroaster muttered under his breath as he walked on ahead.

"Dude where did you put the keystone?" Kyle asked Stan as the Super Best Friends, Butters and Charlie followed Zoroaster.

"Don't worry about it." Said Stan, "Andrew's keeping an eye on it."

"You sure it's a good idea to leave him in charge of the keystone?" Asked Kyle, it wasn't that he didn't like Andrew; he just didn't see him as someone who can be trusted with guarding a relic.

"I'm sure he's capable of taking care of things," Stan assured his best friend as he held Karen's hand, "after all, he's better at listening to people then Butters."

Andrew exited the outhouse and walked back to the caravan, "It was just a quick pit stop," He murmured to himself, "the keystone will still be there I'm sure."

He stopped when he heard a creaking noise. Looking straight ahead, he saw a silhouette in the distance, behind the caravan.

"Hello?" He said quietly. He moved closer, trying to figure out who the stranger is, but before he can get a good look, the figure left the ground and flew off above Andrew into the night.

"Who was that?" Andrew said absently, unaware that in a bush behind him a baseball bat protruded from the bush above Andrew head, "Oh no, the keystone-!"

Before Andrew can act he got hit in the head with the baseball bat and he fell unconscious. Two hands then appeared and dragged Andrew into the bush.

"Why do you want to wait until tomorrow to do the search?" Jesus asked as the group walked back towards the caravan.

"Because I'm tired, the kids are tired and no one in this town isn't going to be interviewed at this time." Zoroaster exclaimed.

"He's got a point." Stan added.

"Uh Stan, where did you say Andrew is keeping an eye on the keystone?" Butters asked.

"Outside the caravan, beside the city hall. That's where we're supposed to meet him why?"

"I'll tell you why!" Kyle yelled in alarm as they approached the caravan, "Because he and the keystone are gone!"

"Great Scott, you're right!" Jesus exclaimed.

"But that's impossible," Said Charlie, "they were there when we left."

"Oh God no!" Zoroaster screamed as he ran into the caravan. A few minutes later he came out with his staff, "false alarm. My staff didn't get stolen."

"We have bigger problems then that!" Jesus exclaimed, "The keystone is gone and so is the boys' Greek friend."

"Oh hamburgers," Butters said quietly, "you don't think Andrew…"

"Don't jump to conclusions yet," Zoroaster said as he inspected a footprint beside a bush, "it wasn't him. He was standing right there when the keystone got stolen. The reason he isn't here was because he got knocked unconscious by someone and was dragged into this bush and taken someplace else, so whoever the thief was it was either the person who kidnapped Andrew or a completely different person."

"…You got all that just by looking at a footprint?" Smith asked incredulously.

"I wondered the same thing when he did that and it turned out to be all true," Said Jesus, "but even if the thief that kidnapped Andrew did steal the keystone, what would that person want with a Greek?"

"I think we should split up," Suggested Kyle, "it may increase our chances of finding Andrew and the keystone."

Jesus shook his head, "Splitting up never works. I think it would be best if we all-"

"Too late. Zoroaster already left looking for the keystone." Said Buddha.

"God-dammit!"

"I guess we should look for the keystone and Andrew together huh?" Asked Stan.

"Yeah, I think the best way to find Andrew is to sniff him out." Said Jesus.

"Dude, we don't have a dog."

"We don't need one." Said Jesus, "Krishna can you-?"

"I'm on it. Form of…a dog!" In a flash of light, a golden Labrador dog stood where Krishna was standing.

"Sweet dude." Said Kyle.

"That's the advantage of having a shapeshifter on the team," Jesus said to the kids before turning to the Labrador, "alright Krishna, let's go find the Greek, see if you can sniff him out." The Labrador sniffed the footprint before walking straight ahead, the Super Best Friends following.

"Dude, we are so gonna become Super Best Friends when we're older." Stan said to Kyle.

"You can say that again." Kyle added.

Kyle, Stan, Charlie and Karen followed the religious figures, unaware that Butters wondered off in the opposite direction, looking for Zoroaster. The puffball faltered a moment, looking back at the group before walking off again.

"Do you think the person who kidnapped Andrew went far?" Kyle asked Jesus.

"I don't think so my child. From my experiences from finding kidnappers, they always hide in places that are local or somewhere in the state they kidnapped someone." Jesus looked around, "Where's Butters?"

"I think he went off to find Zoroaster." Said Stan.

"Right," Said Jesus absently, "I don't know about you boys but I'm starting to get the feeling that Zoroaster doesn't care about this mission."

"What makes you think?" Karen asked as she held Kyle's hand.

Before Jesus could answer the Labrador began to bark at the entrance to the town hall.

"I think we found where Andrew is being held hostage." Charlie said as she walked beside Kyle.

"She's right," Smith replied, "there's people in there alright and not very many."

Jesus struggled to open the door without much success, "It's locked. Buddha, we're going to need your help over here"

The door was ripped from its hinges and the kids rushed into the building.

"You didn't have to tear the door apart!" Jesus exclaimed, "Couldn't you do it more gently."

"I don't know my own strength," Buddha replied, "but I'm getting better at it."

"Not better enough." Said Krishna as he changed back to his true form.

"Andrew are you in here?" Yelled Stan as he looked around the interior of the building.

"I'm over here!" The kids turned to the front of the building to find Andrew tied up in a chair and beside him was an overweight child with brown hair in a skirt and sleeve less shirt that barely covered the child's body fat.

"Oh. My. God." Whispered Kyle. He knew who the child was and it definitely wasn't a girl.

**Guess who's back.**


	9. Chapter 9

**If you read the last chapter you probably at this point know that the boy in drag who kidnapped Andrew is Cartman.**

**This is one of my favourite chapters because it not just marks the return of Cartman but it also introduces the last of my fanon characters for this series, who is also the titular character of Gnostic Angel. If you don't know who it is, it means you didn't read the other two parts carefully and you missed over the clues I left out on who this mystery character is.**

**I always imagined this character to be voiced by Lady Antebellum singer Hilary Scott.**

**Chapter 9**

Brutos arrived in the town that was in the state of Oregon. Looking around he found a sign that said '**Albany, Oregon**'.

"Dark Matter, this is Brutos," He said over a Bluetooth, "I arrived in the location where the religious figures are."

"Stan, Kyle, you fucking assholes!" Eric Cartman screamed at his friends, "Do you have any idea of all the crap I went through just to find all you asswipes!"

It didn't take long for Stan and Kyle to burst out laughing at the sight of Cartman in a skirt, while Charlie just remained in shocked silence.

"Cartman, what the hell are you wearing?" Stan asked between laughs.

"Yeah, you look like Madonna when she stated to sag!" Kyle exclaimed.

"I am gonna kick you both in the nuts when we get back." Muttered Cartman.

Just then the Super Best Friends arrived and stared with wide eyed shock at Cartman dressed in drag.

"That's something you don't see often…" Said Jesus.

"What the hell! Did that stupid author bring these assholes into the story as well!" Cartman asked when he saw the superhero group.

"Never mind them, think more about where you've been all time." Said Charlie, "Also, is there a reason why you're dressed in…that?" She gestured towards Cartman's attire.

"And why weren't you with us when we escaped the U.A.M building?" Asked Stan.

"Oh that? I jumped out a window when we got to the second floor."

A long silence filled the hall, "You jumped out a window when we got to the second floor of the U.A.M building?" Stan repeated as a question.

"That's right." Cartman replied.

"Cartman, you are so God-damn stupid, it's almost ridiculous!" Cried Kyle, "Why the hell did you jump out a window instead of running outside, like the rest of us did?"

"I thought we were gonna get out of that building, James Bond style," Cartman retorted, "I landed in a trash pile when I jumped out. I tried looking for you asswipes but you weren't around, so when I came to the conclusion that you were no longer in Denver I took a train and went from state to state, looking for the assholes that didn't wait up for me."

"Dude." Said Stan.

"How did you manage to find us in the end?" Asked Charlie.

"In order to get some money for train tickets I took a part time job as a prostitute."

"…Eric do you even know what a prostitute is and what they do?" Jesus asked slowly.

"Yes," Said Cartman, "they dress in fancy clothes for money."

"They do more than that fatass," Kyle replied, "and besides your fatass would scare payers away, no one would give you money if your fat is showing."

"Fuck you Jew!"

"That still doesn't explain how you manage to find us." Said Charlie.

"When I was in a bar I saw the news on TV. It said that Butters' parents lost their son again and they got a call from the fag that he's somewhere in Oregon. Believing that you assholes would be in Oregon too, since we come across Butters a lot, I rode in the back of a van that contained cow dump, which took me to this town. When looking for you all, I found the Greek wondering around and an idea came to me on how to find you assholes. I hid behind a bush and, when he was near enough, I hit him in the head with a baseball bat and dragged him into the town hall, knowing you asswipes would probably go looking for him."

"So you only kidnapped me just to get your friends to come to you?" Asked Andrew.

"Shut up Greek!" Yelled Cartman, "That's right I kidnapped you to find my asshole friends. What I didn't count on was these," He pointed to the Super Best Friends, "religious assholes being with them."

"So does this mean you didn't steal the keystone?" Asked Stan.

"What the fuck is a keystone?"

"We'll take that as a yes." Said Jesus.

"But if Cartman didn't take the keystone," Said Andrew, "who did?"

On the outskirts of Albany Zoroaster looked behind red oak trees, trying to find the keystone.

"Seriously, how hard is it to find a relic shaped like a cube?" Zoroaster asked himself as he peeped inside bushes, "I should've quit while I had the chance…"

"Don't get your hopes down, we'll find it." Said Butters as he approached the prophet.

"Did you follow me all the way here?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yep, I thought you could use some help."

"You could start by not talking for a few minutes." Zoroaster muttered.

"Hey what happened to Iris?" Asked Butters, "Last time I saw her, she was in the caravan."

"Don't worry, I put her in a place where she can't be spotted by mortals," Said Zoroaster, "and also give me a few hours peace…"

Butters hummed to himself slightly when he saw something in the trees. A silhouette was watching them from afar. The sight of the figure made Butters nervous.

"Em, s-s-sir, Z-Zoroaster, don't you think we should call it a day and head back to the others?"

"Problem?" Zoroaster asked when he heard the fear in Butters' voice.

"I think-I think we're being watched." Zoroaster looked to where Butters was pointing and saw the silhouette in the tree.

"Hello?" Said Zoroaster, "Whoever you are, we mean no harm."

The figure leapt off the branch of the tree and landed lightly on the ground in the darkness, "Oh hamburgers, it's gone." Yelled Butters as Zoroaster snapped his fingers to allow the white flame to appear in his hand.

"I don't know what it was," Said Zoroaster as he looked around, "but there's definitely something out here."

"Not something, someone." Zoroaster turned to the sound of the female voice and almost dropped his staff at what he saw. Standing in front of him was a female angel, her graceful white wings protruding from her back. Her sleeveless white dress went down as far as her feet; it looked like it was made during the time of Ancient Greece. She wore a silver crown, with silver bird figures on top, on her head, a silver armband on her right arm, a silver bracelet on her left wrist and a silver necklace around her neck. Her long, reddish brown hair fell past her shoulders.

"Oh…my God." Zoroaster whispered, "I think I'm in love."

"I didn't know you believed in love at first sight." Said Butters as he joined the prophet.

"I don't, but I do believe I've found the religious figure of my dreams." Suddenly the angel pointed a sword which she held in her hand at the prophet.

"Your dreams I can put an end to unless you tell me what I want to know." The angel replied, her olive green eyes glaring at Zoroaster.

"Hey isn't that the keystone?" Butters asked as he pointed to the cube shape object that the angel held in her other hand.

"Holy crap you're right! It was you!" Zoroaster pointed at the angel, "You're the thief! And to think, I almost fell for you."

"The only thief I see is you." The angel retorted.

"Hey lady, I did not steal that keystone, me and the others were keeping it safe. _You_ were the one who stole it." Said Zoroaster.

"I didn't steal it. I simply took back what needed to be destroyed," The angel replied, "for the safety of my village, and I will keep you here unless you tell me why you had this keystone and more importantly, where the other keystones are."

"You could do that," Said Zoroaster as water surrounded the prophet. Butters stepped back slightly, "or you could just give me back the keystone so I won't drench you. I know angels don't like getting wet."

"Unless you're a Gnostic Angel." The angel answered.

"…Fuck it, I'm gonna drown you anyway." Before the angel could act, Zoroaster released a water torrent from his hands and struck the angel, the keystone flying out of her hand, allowing Zoroaster to catch it before it fell to the ground.

"Alright we got the keystone back," Said Zoroaster as he and Butters ran back to the others, "now let's get out of here before she comes to and tries to stab us."

"The others are gonna never believe us." Said Butters.

"You know the word 'believe' is a strong word if you're a religious figure," Said Zoroaster, "it's very close to belief."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"Where the hell are you assholes going?" Cartman demanded as the group left the town hall.

"We're heading back to the caravan," Said Jesus, "hopefully, Butters and Zoroaster will be back there as well."

"Why can't we all just head back to Greece?" Cartman muttered, "I warned you Kyle, trusting strangers is a bad idea."

"Hey don't pin the blame on me!" Kyle shouted, "All of this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't trusted Dark Matter! This is mainly your fault fatass!"

"Fuck you Jew who has a bitch mom!"

"Leave my mom out of this!"

"All right, I think we all heard enough of that," Jesus said sternly, "at this point, it no longer matters whose fault. The important thing right now is to stop Dark Matter."

"And find the keystone." Seaman reminded him.

"That's right Seamen." Said Buddha. The Super Best Friends burst out laughing at what Buddha said.

"It's Sea-man!"

"Who's that?" Andrew pointed to a red haired man with an eye patch in front of them.

"Finally," The man said, "I got you all right where I wanted."

"Um…"Jesus faltered, "who are you?"

"Name's Brutos, I was hired to kill the Super Best Friends."

"Join the club." Said Cartman.

"Eric!" Yelled Jesus.

"Well you guys can be douchebags."

"Enough talking," Said Brutos as he whipped out bazooka that had something attached to it, "time to do what I was hired to do."

"Is that-is that a conch shell attached to that thing?" Smith asked nervously as the group stepped back slightly.

"Dark Matter was very specific about this." Said Brutos.

"Dark Matter sent you?" Asked Stan.

"Yeah he wanted me to get rid of the religious figures after Blaine messed it up."

"Get rid of us?" Asked Jesus.

"Yeah, so you won't get in the way of his plans."

"Kewl, religious figures hunters kick ass." Said Cartman.

"Hey whose side on you on?" Stan demanded.

"Don't even think about running," Said Brutos, "It'll hurt less if I do it in one go." Before Brutos can activate the bazooka, the caravan appeared, driving at high speed. It hit Brutos, sending him flying in the air and landing on his back. The caravan skidded to a halt and the doors swung open to reveal Zoroaster.

"Obviously, we're not safe in this town," He said, "I think it's best to go someplace else as fast as possible, now everyone get in the caravan."

"You timing couldn't have been more perfect Zoroaster," Said Smith, "you just ran over and possibly killed a religious figure hunter hired by Dark Matter to get rid of us."

"Your welcome, now everyone get in the caravan!" Yelled Zoroaster.

"Dude, do you think he's actually dead?" Asked Kyle.

"Hard to say, but I sure didn't see the caravan coming. Did you Seamen?" Jesus and the rest of the Super Best Friends burst out laughing.

"It's Sea-"

"DAMMIT, WOULD YOU ALL JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CARAVAN!" Zoroaster screamed, finally losing patience. The group quickly entered the caravan where Butters was sitting in a seat.

"Eric, you're alive!" Butters said happily when he saw Cartman, "And you're a girl!"

"There's a story behind all this Butters," Said Cartman, "one that involves my asshole friends."

"Shut up fatass!" Yelled Kyle.

"Fuck you Jew!"

"Wait, who was driving the caravan?" Asked Stan.

"I was." Said Zoroaster as he sat in the driver's seat.

"I thought you couldn't drive." Said Charlie.

"I can't."

"Oh dear God." Smith muttered.

"Fasten your belts, this gonna be a bumpy ride." Zoroaster stepped on the accelerator and drove off towards the town exit, leaving Brutos lying in the pavement.

"Whose idea was this to go to Greece in order to find Gollum and the Super Best Friends?" Miss Anthrope half demanded as the Order of Religion waited in the airplane lobby for their flight.

"I thought it would be help if we all chipped in to find them." Ollie said meekly.

"Ollie remind me to never listen to you again." Said Miss Anthrope.

"…It's my birthday today." Said Ollie.

"Fuck that." Said Miss Anthrope.

In a different part of the lobby Dark Matter is checking his to do list, "Let's see, obtain all four keystones…I have two in my suitcase, still need the other two. Get to Alethea before the summer solstice…already doing that. Bring the Tenebris under your control, that shouldn't be a problem, I know they'll do anything to get their temple back. Fire Blaine and put trust in Brutos, did that. The only thing that still needs to be complete is get rid of the Super Best Friends, a task that Brutos will do."

"Passengers waiting for flight 17 to Alethea, Greece," The clerk said over an intercom, "we thank you for your patience, but the conditions in Alethea are still delaying our departure. Unfortunately, we've just been informed that Greece is about to get the boot up the ass, and we'll be delayed at least another hour."

The passengers exclaimed angrily at what the clerk said, "Aw c'mon!" Dark Matter yelled, "Some of us need to get to Greece! And I mean now!" The passengers stared at the villain, "Yes, yes, I'm a very important person who needs to get to Alethea because it's an emergency."

The caravan swerved on the road that was on a steep hill.

"You're supposed to stay on the road!" Jesus yelled as he clutched his seat.

"Go easy, this is my first time," Said Zoroaster, "you know I gotta admit, I thought this driving thing would be horrible but it's actually not so bad."

"It's all fun and games till someone gets hurt." Said Smith as Zoroaster drove the caravan past a pothole. During this Cartman noticed a sign that said "**KFC restaurant on top of hill**"

"Oh my God…" He whispered. He then rushed over and tried to take the steering wheel.

"What're you doing?" Zoroaster asked as Cartman took hold of the wheel.

"Move over asshole, I'm taking over!" Yelled Cartman.

"Oh no you don't," Said Zoroaster, "this type of thing is for adults only…and Stan."

"You don't know how to drive!" Shouted Cartman.

"Neither can you!"

"I was born in a modern world, so I know cars better then you do!"

"I'm three-thousand years older then you! I knew Isaac, so that makes me the driver of this thing!"

"Well you suck at it!"

"Eyes on the road! EYES ON THE ROAD!" Jesus screamed. When Cartman and Zoroaster were fighting over the wheel they failed to notice that they were driving towards the edge of the hill.

"!"

Everyone screamed as the caravan fell off the edge and landed on its front. It rolled over at high speed, loosing chunks of its exterior in the process. It relaxed when it rolled in a forested area. It leaned slightly for a minute and then fell back in place.

"Holy crap…" Zoroaster whispered from inside the caravan, "Anyone else wet themselves?"


	11. Chapter 11

**Things are gonna get a lot worse in later chapters, trust me. I forgot to mention in the last chapter when they said 'Greece is about to get the boot up the ass' is a reference to the rumours about Greece leaving the Euro Zone.**

**Chapter 11**

The bus came to a halt in the city of Florence. The night sky was filled with stars and the citizens there were still awake. Winnates exited off the bus along with the other travellers.

"Do you not have a car?" Asked one traveller as they exited the bus.

"I don't need one," Said Winnates, "and the environment is damaged enough as it is." With that comment, someone threw a newspaper at Winnates, "Ow!" She exclaimed when it hit her head.

"Go back to the 50s hippie!"

"Keep walking, you'll get over it faster." Winnates muttered to herself when she turned a corner. As she did so she discovered what looked like a crime scene.

"Move along, nothing to see here, nothing serious." A police man said, "Just some murder case that we've been trying to figure out for weeks…wait now that I think about it, that does sound serious."

"A murder?" Winnates repeated.

"Yeah, weeks ago some old man was shot to death here. We still haven't figured out who the murderer is, it's like the person erased all evidence. Strangely the victim had a letter in his pocket when we examined the body."

"A letter?" Winnates asked.

The police took from his pocket a letter that looked as if it hadn't been opened yet, "You can have it if you want; it's a letter we don't take seriously in the police force."

Taking the letter, Winnates walked away from the crime scene. She stopped in her tracks to open the letter and almost gasped when she read it to herself.

"Oh my God," She whispered in horror when she read it, "this letter _is _something to be taken seriously! I have to warn the others!"

Just then a car pulled up beside Winnates. Driving the car was what looked like an infant Canadian with a tuff of black hair on his head.

"Need a lift?" He asked.

"Noooo!" Cried Cartman as he struggled to get up the hill, "My KFC! My beautiful KFC!"

"God, you're pathetic." Said Charlie as she looked at the now damaged caravan. It was as if a tornado struck the automobile. The exterior was completely destroyed and there were pieces of wood stuck on it.

"Dude I'd didn't think we'd survive." Said Kyle.

"Zoroaster," Jesus said softly, "remind yourself to never drive again."

"I can't help feeling this is my fault that we can no longer use the caravan." The prophet replied.

"You think!" Smith asked.

"You and the fat kid almost got us all killed!" Krishna yelled.

"God-dammit, I'm not fat!" Screamed Cartman, who gave up on climbing the hill.

"You're half right Krishna," Said Zoroaster, "remember, some of us here can't stay dead, besides instead of berating me you should thank me, while we were still in Albany I found this." He pulled from his robes the yellow coloured keystone.

"You found the keystone?" Jesus asked.

"Your welcome, and I didn't find it, the thing just got stolen."

"The keystone got stolen?" Asked Stan.

"That makes sense I guess," Said Jesus, "who took the keystone?"

Before Zoroaster could answer, something head butted him to the ground, causing the keystone to fall from his grip and into the hands of someone else.

"I did." A reddish-brown haired female angel said as she held the keystone.

"Oh hamburgers it's the keystone thief!" Butters yelled.

"Ha, that asshole got hit in the stomach by a winged bitch!" Exclaimed Cartman. The Super Best Friends stared in stunned silence at the angel.

"You…took the keystone?" Jesus asked the angel.

"And for a good reason too." She replied.

"Oh my God," Andrew whispered when he saw the angel, "it's her! It's our Alethean hero!"

"You know her?" Stan asked.

"You guys know her too, I told you about Sophia the Alethean heroine who became a Gnostic Angel when she passed on. Only to find that she's standing right in front of us!

"Sophia," Jesus repeated, "is that your name?"

"I don't normally say it, but yes it is." The angel answered as she pointed her sword at the group.

"You don't have to do that." Said Jesus, "We just want to know something."

"I want to know something too." Sophia retorted,

"Which is…?"

"Why did you have this keystone and where are the other keystones?"

"We honestly know very little about the keystones." Said Jesus, "And we only have that keystone. What about you? Why are you concerned about them?"

"The keystones represent a threat to my home and to this world." Said Sophia, "I need to find them for the safety of both. Why do you care?"

"We're trying to find a theologist named Rhinestone," Jesus explained, "We believe that he might know about the keystones. You can come with us if you want, we can help find out about the keystones together.

"Uh Jesus, what're you doing?" Asked Butters nervously, he didn't like the idea of the person that stole the keystone to be around them.

"He's trying to convince the angel that we're not evil." Kyle explained.

Sophia lowered her sword slightly, "How do I know I can trust you all?"

"We're Super Best Friends." Said Buddha.

"That's right," Smith added, "we care about protecting this world as much as you do."

At that moment, Zoroaster got up from the ground and angrily walked away from the group, "All right that's it! I've had it! I'm no longer gonna be a part of this!"

"Zoroaster, where're you going?" Asked Jesus.

"This is where I part ways with you guys," Said Zoroaster as he turned around, "I am not continuing this task anymore!"

"You mean you're leaving?" Asked Butters.

"What was your first clue?"

"But you can't leave now," Said Jesus, "we promised Zeus-"

"There's no 'we' all right, you guys were the ones who agreed to do all this, hell, I didn't even wanted to do this!" Yelled Zoroaster, "The only reason I ended up where I am now was because I wanted to find Albert Einstein, only to learn that he's kicked the bucket!"

"So what does that mean?" Asked Jesus, "That the millions of lives that we may have to save mean nothing to you?"

"I never said that. I'm just saying that I have my own mission that conflicts with what you guys want to do."

"Dude, how can you turn your back on this? Asked Stan.

"Yeah, the Olympians helped us and you when we were in trouble." Said Kyle, "We can't let them down now."

"I. Don't. Care! All I know is that I don't want to be a part of this anymore! It's been nothing but a living hell!" A long silence filled the forest, the only exception was the sound of Zoroaster's heavy breathing, "I'm sorry but…the whole Pentagon may be out looking for me and I'll only slow you guys down and well…look, I'm sorry but I can't be a part of this anymore…"

With that, Zoroaster turned and walked into a part of the forest. The group watched until he was no longer in sight before going their own way into the forest, only Sophia stood there, looking at the path which Zoroaster took. Although he was gone, she can't get him out of his mind, like he was still here. She then looked at the path the group took and opening her wings, she flew above the path to catch up with them.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Eisen looked through a bush, trying to find his magnifying glass.

"Where did it go?"He muttered to himself, "I could've sworn I dropped it here when I found the journal."

In the same part of the forest.

"This is fucking bullcrap!" Shouted Cartman as the group walked through the woods, "I wanna get back in the caravan."

"Eric we told you, it's damaged beyond repair." Said Jesus.

"Are you fucking kidding me!"

"You know this walk through this forest is good for you," Said Kyle, "you could do with the exercise fatass."

"Fuck you Jew!" Yelled Cartman, "This is still bullcrap! I'm hungry and I'm cold!"

"That's because you're still in a skirt." Said Stan, trying to hold back a laugh.

"I'm seriously, if we don't find civilisation soon, I'm gonna kick someone in the balls."

"I can honestly say that you sound like my uncle." Said Krishna as he held a sleeping Karen in his arms. Sophia landed lightly on the ground after gliding from tee to tree.

"You don't have to use trees to move all the time," Said Jesus, "you can just walk with us."

"Would that not make it more difficult for us?"

"I don't think so."

"Wait can't you guys fly?" Asked Stan.

"Yeah, but I think this forest is too thick for us to fly around in." Said Jesus. Sophia tilted her head slightly at Charlie who was walking behind the group with her eyes looking at the ground.

"What's wrong with that young girl?" She asked.

"Who, Charlie? I think she's still pissed that she was wrong about religious figures not existing." Said Stan.

"Gender confused and stupid," Said Cartman, "you really found the girl of your dreams Kyle."

"Shut up fatass!" Kyle yelled as he punched Cartman a few times in the face. Cartman screamed and covered his face from the hits.

"All right, break it up!" Said Jesus as he tried to separate the two boys. Ignoring the commotion, Sophia approached Charlie. The young girl looked up when she saw the angel.

"Hey…" She whispered.

"Charlie…"Sophia faltered, "I have a feeling that you don't know whose side to be on."

"That's not true,"" Said Charlie, "I'm with my friends, I'm with the good guys, I just…don't know what to believe anymore."

"They say that you don't believe in us."

"I didn't, I mean I don't but…" Charlie sighed, "Like I said I honestly don't know what to believe anymore."

Sophia looked at the night sky before looking back at Charlie, "You're helping your friends in this, yet you can't bring yourself to trust us, because you don't believe in us."

Charlie shook her head, "It wasn't always like that, and besides it wasn't that I didn't believe in religious figure, I just didn't think that they believed in us."

"Interesting," Sophia replied, "explain."

"Well when I was younger I constantly prayed for a guardian angel. This was after the man I thought was my dad left us and my mom started…hurting me. Every night, I laid in my bed and made a heartfelt payer for someone to send me a guardian angel, someone who could let me know that everything will be alright. When my prayers weren't answered, I went into a phase where I cried myself to sleep. I stopped asking for a guardian angel when I turned eight, I wasn't able to believe in the existence in holy beings after that, not entirely."

"I see," Sophia said gently, "I'm sorry about all the hardships you've been through…"

"Don't worry about it, besides that was a long time ago. I now have a new family and some good friends…and Kyle," Charlie paused for a moment, "you know before all this, I always thought religious figures only came from books."

"You can't believe everything you have heard and read," Explained Sophia, "sometimes in life, you need to open your eyes to what is right in front of you, and when the time comes, you must do whatever your heart tells you."

"Kyle I'm seriously, get away!" Cartman shrieked as Kyle chased him around, "You're gonna make me fart!" Before anyone could act, Cartman let out a loud fart. As he farted flames began to erupt from his behind and burnt down the nearest tree.

Eisen yelped as the tree caught on fire. It burned away to reveal several religious figures and kids, all of whom were staring at the burnt stump in shocked silence.

"Aw kick-ass!" Said Cartman, "I didn't know I could do that!"

"Dude that was fucked up." Said Stan.

"Oh God, that smell is horrible." The sound of Eisen's voice caught the group's attention and they looked at the theologist covering his nose, "Did somebody let off wind?"

"They did much more then that…" Muttered Jesus.

"Hey, maybe you can help us," Said Butters, "we're looking for someone called Rhinestone. Do you know him?"

"Yeah, he's the theologist back at the campsite." Said Eisen.

"Wait, you know Rhinestone?" Jesus asked.

"Yes, he's at the campsite."

"Can you take us to Rhinestone?" Asked Jesus, "It's kind of an emergency and we really need to meet him."

"I'll take you all to the campsite then if it's an emergency," Eisen looked at Cartman, "that look on you is temporary right?"

"Fuck you!"

"Stupid nature." Zoroaster muttered as he struggled through bushes, "There are times like this when liberals really need a reality check."

He then spotted an exit out of the forest and rushed out of the forest. Coming out of the forest he found a straight road in the middle of the wooded area, a highway. Zoroaster looked over his shoulder at the forest he came out of. He can't help but wonder how the others were doing. Did they get out of the forest themselves? Did they find Rhinestone?

"Why am I worrying about them all of a sudden?" Zoroaster asked himself, "What they're doing is none of my concern." He shook his head as he walked across the highway, "All right, all I need is to find an air port and I'll be out of this country, away from the government."

He turned around just in time to see a car driving straight towards him. The car screeched to a halt when the passengers saw the prophet and one of them and Zoroaster screamed when they saw each other.

"AAH!"

"Oh God!"

"AAHH!"

"Holy crap!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Okay, I think we should stop now," Said Zoroaster as he calmed down, "seriously, I already used up my spare robes."

"Okay, now I really shat myself." Ike said from the driver's seat

"Hey lady," Zoroaster addressed a black haired woman in the passenger's seat, "you do realise that there's an infant Canadian driving this car right?"

"Don't worry, he's a genius." The woman faltered slightly when she saw the prophet, "I recognise you, you're Zoroaster, the prophet of Ancient Iran."

"Somebody still gives a crap about me."

"Yeah, hey maybe you could help."

"Help with what?"

"I just discovered the most disturbing bit of information ever to be read," The woman explained as she showed him a letter, "and if we don't do something about it before the summer solstice, then we could all be in danger. I'm heading towards a theologist campsite to show some colleges of mine this letter and I'd appreciate it if you came with us."

"Did you say theologist campsite?" Zoroaster asked.

"Yes, I'm Professor Winnates, a theologist."

"…I'm listening." Said Zoroaster as he climbed into the car.

**All will be revealed in the next chapter.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Three more chapters and I'll finally be on part four. This chapter is a climax; it'll finally reveal how the religious figures got a second existence and the history of Alethea, the keystones and the Tenebris, a Super Best Friend will die in the next chapter, keep that in mind.**

**Chapter 13**

"Why won't you work for me?" Rhinestone asked himself as he examined the coffee machine, "I'm starting to think this thing hates me."

"Rhinestone!" Eisen ran towards the theologist, "I think I found the religious figures."

"You either think or you did." Said Kyle as he and the others caught up with Eisen.

"About fucking time," Muttered Cartman, "I thought we'd never get out of that butthole forest."

"And I saw guys dressed in drag but never a boy dressed in drag." Said Rhinestone as he observed Cartman's attire.

"Screw you blacky!" Cartman then received a small kick in the carcass by Jesus, "Ow, what the fuck?"

"Ignore what he said." Jesus said hastily, "Anyway, we came here because we think you can help us with what's going on."

"So you met them," Said Rhinestone as he sat down in a chair. He put his hands on the table, "I always knew this day would come, when the secrets of the Pura Fides must be revealed, though I was hoping it wouldn't be until the night before the summer solstice."

"Some of the kids actually met the Pura Fides," Said Jesus, "the rest of us were trying to find to find a way out of the temple."

"I don't blame you, finding a way out of that temple is like trying to fix a PS3."

"Tell us," Said Sophia, "what do you know?"

"Do you want to know about your existence first 'cause I know about that as well."

"...You know about our existence?" Jesus asked incredulously.

"I also know how it all began," Explained Rhinestone, "You see, the Pura Fides has been around for millennial, since the religious patriarch Abraham passed away. One of its most famous members was a brilliant scientist named Albert Einstein.

"Wait a minute." Said Kyle, "What does Einstein have to do with the existence of religious figures."

"The year was 1948;" Rhinestone began, "that was 64 years ago. During that year Einstein created a devise, which was a toaster with a lamp attached to it. He created that devise to prove that we humans weren't alone; that there was more to the universe then meets the eye, what Einstein didn't count on was that the devise did much more than that. When he activated the devise, it broke the laws of nature and did the impossible…"

"It brought a religious figure back from the dead," Butters finished, "and Zoroaster was that religious figure."

"Wow, Einstein must have been a real fag to do something like that." Said Cartman.

"But then, why did the government sent Zoroaster in lockdown?" Asked Jesus.

"The roots of atheism were growing back then," Rhinestone explained, "more and more people were becoming sceptical about the existence of religious figures and the government believed that seeing an actual holy being will cause a national controversy, so they did what they had to do and locked the religious figure away from public eyes. After that, the Order of Religion was set up by Einstein to ensure that no other religious figure will go through the same fate as Zoroaster did. That proved to be sheer dumb necessary because in the next 44

Years, the devise was used again and again, by either Einstein's relatives or some random person, to bring religious figures back onto this planet.

"Including us." Said Smith.

"Including you lot." Agreed Rhinestone.

"Whoa dude who would've thought that it was science that brought holy beings back to life." Said Stan.

"What about you?" Butters asked Seaman, "Did the same thing happen to you?"

"I was born in Imaginationland," Seaman explained, "so no, the same thing didn't happen to me."

"That's right Se-"Jesus began.

"Don't say it!"

"It's good to know that religious figures have a sense of humour," Rhinestone chuckled, "like us humans."

"Can you please tell us about the keystones now?" Kyle asked desperately.

"You're eager to know about them are you?" Asked Rhinestone, "In order to understand the history of the keystones we need to know the back story, starting with the death of Abraham."

"Why do I get the feeling that a flashback is gonna be involved?" Charlie asked herself.

"Too late, it's starting." Said Stan.

_A little girl with light brown hair and in green robes entered her father's bedroom. She looked at the old man in his bed, although he was physically in his late forties he looked as if to have aged much older over night, his long white beard hung from his bed. He opened his eyes to look at his daughter._

"_Alethea…" He whispered, "My daughter…"_

"_You wanted to see me father?" The girl named Alethea asked._

"_Yes, close the veils and come closer to me." When the veils were closed and Alethea stepped forward, the man looked at her with weary eyes, "I have lived on this planet for 175 years, and I would have lived five more years had God not take my life sooner than scheduled."_

"_Do you really have to leave so soon father?" Alethea asked shakily, "Surely God can be reasoned with."_

"_I'm afraid it's too late for that now," He said, "we all must leave this planet eventually, but let's not think of it as the end of the story, think of it as a new beginning, the next chapter in our existence. It is in death that we can find the true answers in life. Do you understand Alethea?"_

"_I'll try father." She whispered._

"_Don't try Alethea, do, and now on to the main reason why I summoned you here. I received a vision by a bunch of holy fellas who call themselves the Olympians, whoever the hell they are. They told me that the descendants of my followers would one day fall into war with our neighbours, the Babylonians."_

"_We have been in peace with that empire for years," Said Alethea, "why would they attack us?"_

"_I think it's because they're still pissed that the Greeks buried their temple, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon somewhere in their homeland, and the Babylonians are taking their frustrations out on random nations," The old man explained, "like when God punished the Egyptians for not releasing the Jews."_

"…_That makes sense."_

"_Though it is still early, I still fear for our people's safety…and yours Alethea. Of all my children you are the most precious and most pure-hearted, which is why I fear for your safety. Now here's what I want you to do…"_

_Alethea and several of her father's people journeyed on a boat through the seas to Greece. The little girl looked at the horizon ahead._

"_Oh man this is so cool," One follower exclaimed, "I'm actually in the boat that Noah used to escape the flood with all those animals."_

"_It's called an ark you dumbass!" Another follower yelled._

_Alethea ignored the commotion and focused on looking at the horizon. Her father Abraham wanted her and several followers to go to Greece in order to start a new life for his daughter, but even if that were true, where would they settle in Greece and if they can prevent her father's vision from coming true._

"_Alethea…" A male voice echoed in her head. Alethea looked around for the source of the voice but couldn't find it._

"_Who said that?" She wondered aloud._

"_I did," The voice in her head said again, "I'm speaking to you telepathically."_

"_Who are you?" Alethea asked._

"_That's not important," the voice replied, "I have been given orders to help you. I will give you further instructions when you arrive in Greece, until then try not to worry too much. Everything will fall into place eventually…"_

_Alethea led the followers to a village that looked as if it hadn't been used at all. The voice told Alethea to lead the followers to this very place, the one that was near a large hill that was covered in clouds._

"_This place is beautiful, just beautiful." One follower exclaimed when they explored the place._

"_You can say that again."_

"_This is definitely the place to start a new life."_

_The followers all agreed to these statements and immediately started choosing houses._

"_But wait," A follower realised something, "this village didn't came with a name."_

"_Oh yeah."_

"_Now that you realised it…"_

"_Hey I have an idea," Another exclaimed, "why don't we name it after the little girl who led us here?"_

"_Hey good idea!"_

"_I don't think that's necessary." Said Alethea._

"_Don't be ridiculous, how else are our future descendants going to remember the origins of this place."_

"_So it's settled," The first follower declared, "we shall name this village Alethea, after the daughter of Abraham…"_

"_Why are you here?" Alethea asked a group of people in divine Greek clothing. It had been a few years since the followers discovered and settled the village and Alethea found herself in the presence of the Olympians, the ones who gave her late father her vision._

"_You have been chosen Alethea," Athena explained, "chosen to protect four ancient relics that could threaten this world."_

"_What are they?" Alethea asked._

"_The Keystones of Babylon." Hermes replied as he showed her four cube shape objects, with ancient writing engraved in them. They were each in a different colour; red, blue, yellow and green._

"_All four have the power to bring the Hanging Gardens of Babylon back from the earth," Apollo explained, "only a mortal of pure intentions can't keep their powers at bay."_

"_Which is why Zeus wants you Alethea, daughter of Abraham to be Keeper of the Keystones." Said Artemis as Hermes handed Alethea the keystones._

"_What if I'm not responsible enough to take care of them?" Alethea asked as she held the keystones._

"_You have a pure heart," Explained Hermes, "only you and your descendants can control the power of the keystones. That, and don't bring them near the Babylonians or the village temple during the summer solstice…"_

_100 years later…_

_The battle between the Tenebris and the Aletheans raged from the fields._

"_Don't give up yet!" A woman with reddish brown hair yelled to her army, "We can get through this! The Tenebris are brutish but we have strategy on our side!"_

"_We're giving it the best we can!" An Alethean replied. _

_Inside the village, a few of the Olympians ran from the Tenebris general, with the keystones in their hands._

"_The summer solstice is today," Hermes exclaimed, "we can't let these keystones anywhere near the temple. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon is directly beneath it!"_

"_Of all the solstices in this century, it had to be this one." Athena said through gritted teeth._

"_Get back here!" The Tenebris general was hot on their trail, "Give me those keystones!"_

"_Fat chance!" Hermes exclaimed, "We know what you're planning to do with the keystones and we're gonna make sure it won't happen!"_

_The Olympians raced out of the village and towards a harbour where a group of men from the village were on a boat, waiting for them. When the Olympians arrived they gave the keystones to the men._

"_When you reach the New World," Athena instructed, "you must separate the keystones, so they won't ever be used for evil."_

"_You're not coming with us?" One of the men asked._

"_This is our home, grandson of Alethea," Apollo explained, "our duty lies here. We chose your grandmother's family to protect your keystones for a reason, like how you all formed the Pura Fides for the sole purpose of keeping the keystones and their keeper a secret."_

"_He's coming!" Artemis warned them._

"_Poseidon, now would be a good time!" Hermes yelled to the ocean. Suddenly the boat was carried by a giant wave and swept away from the harbour towards the horizon. The general arrived just in time to find the boat sailing away._

"_No!" He screamed, "The keystones! They're gone forever…!"_

_Sophia approached the cell of the general and glared at him._

"_The Tenebris are dead, the descendant of Alethea is on his way to the New World and we Aletheans still stands," She told him, "your pride has led you to your downfall, and you will be executed for your crimes against humanity."_

_The general then let out a high pitched laugh that was almost unsettling, "You're a fool Sophia!" He exclaimed, "You may have won the battle, but the war isn't over. If a relative of Alethea ever dies at the hands of one of their own kind, the Tenebris will rise from their graves and take over your village, and the keystones will be reunited in the summer solstice! The Hanging Gardens of Babylon will return! You'll see!" His laughs echoed throughout the dungeons…"_


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Kyle and Stan stared at the ancient painting of the brown haired girl in green robes that Rhinestone showed the group.

"Dude she looks just like Karen." Kyle said in amazement.

"Wow, I'm actually looking at a painting of the founder of Alethea." Andrew said in awe.

"If young Karen is the splitting image of Alethea, then it's possible that she's a direct descendant of Alethea herself." Said Rhinestone, "making her the next Keeper of the Keystones."

"She's only seven; Karen won't understand what's going on." Charlie reminded him.

"Then one of her siblings can be the keeper."

"You know that makes her family part religious figure," Said Jesus, "because Alethea was the daughter of Abraham."

Kyle began to mull over something in his, and then a thought hit him and it wasn't good, "Didn't you say that the Hanging Gardens of Babylon was buried directly beneath Alethea?" He asked Rhinestone quietly.

"That's right," Said Rhinestone, "they say that the power of the keystones are at their strongest during the European summer solstice."

"Oh my God. Oh my God!" Kyle cried, "That's his plan!"

Charlie grabbed Kyle's arm, "Kyle calm down, who are you talking about?"

"Dark Matter! He's planning to uproot the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!"

"Ha! I told you it was real asshole, even you admit it!" Cartman exclaimed but Kyle ignored him.

"That's why he was looking for the keystones!" Yelled Kyle, "He's gonna do what the Tenebris tried to accomplish!"

"And he's gonna try and do it during the summer solstice!" Jesus concluded, already thinking the same thing.

"Oh God," Muttered Eisen, "there's no telling what havoc he'll wreck if that happens."

"It was predicted that the world will end in 2012," Rhinestone said gravely, "and that prediction will become a reality if we don't do something about it."

"We have to get back to Alethea!" Sophia said urgently, "It's the only way we can stop Dark Matter!"

"That's far enough." Everyone turned to find a limping but very much alive Brutos cocking the bazooka at them.

"Oh hamburgers, it's Brutos!" Butters yelled in fright.

"Did you miss me?" He asked sarcastically.

"Sweet, he's still alive!" Cartman said gleefully, "Religious figure hunters kick-ass."

Brutos activated the bazooka, "Now where were we?"

"If you work for Dark Matter then we must be enemies." Sophia exclaimed, glaring at the hunter.

"Sophia don't do anything," Jesus warned, "There's a conch shell attached to that thing. If he uses it on one of us religious figures then we have to kiss our spirits goodbye."

"And you'll be making my job a lot easier if you all don't do anything at all." Brutos remarked.

"W-wait, Mister Brutos, sir," Butters approached the hunter with paper money in his hands, "I don't know how much Dark Matter is paying you but if you don't kill the Super Best Friends, I can make it worth your while."

"Nice try kid, but it's gonna take a lot more than five…" He took a closer look at the money Butters held in his hands, "that's not cash, what the hell is that?"

"This is money from my cashier play set," Butters explained, "I'm not allowed to use real money without my parents' permission. You can still play cashier with it-"Sophia suddenly kicked the bazooka from Brutos' grip.

"Both of you move!" Krishna warned as electricity shot from his hand.

"Oh hamburgers." Cried Butters as he and Sophia moved out of the way for Brutos to get electrocuted. The hunter fell to the ground in a paralyzed state.

"Okay, what part of not doing anything did you understand?" Asked Jesus.

"Don't get your halo in a twist," Sophia retorted, "besides, the puffball was distracting him, I had to do something to subdue the guy."

"I think we should think less about distractions and think more about getting out of here before the guy comes to." Said Rhinestone.

While they were talking Brutos quickly recovered and grabbed his bazooka.

"I think taking a plane to Greece is a bad idea," Said Eisen, "most of the flights will be delayed."

"And we can't carry all of you if we fly there." Smith remarked.

Brutos activated his bazooka again and cocked it.

"Uh f-fellas," Butter stammered as he watched Brutos recovering, "d-don't you think w-we should talk about th-this somewhere else." It wasn't a question, it was a warning.

"Butters no one gives a crap about what you say." Cartman said plainly.

"I'm serious Eric," Butters said in alarm when he saw Brutos get up and aim his bazooka at Sophia, "I r-really think w-we should go n-now-!"

Jesus turned around just in time to find Brutos pulling the trigger on the bazooka. White streams of light emerged from the bazooka, heading straight towards Sophia, "Oh my God-! Sophia look out!"

Before Sophia could act Jesus pushed her out of the way, allowing the streams of light to hit his chest. Everyone yelled in horror as Jesus became surrounded in the white light.

"Jesus!" Stan screamed in horror, "What's happening?"

"He's getting his spirit sucked out!" Krishna said in alarm.

"Ah jeez, I can't watch!" Butters yelled as he looked away.

"Dude this is awesome," Said Cartman who is the only one undeterred by this ordeal, "religious figure hunters are way kewler than Hitler."

Something round and glowing began to get pulled out of Jesus' body by the streams of light and into the conch shell. Jesus fell to the ground after that, his halo falling off in the process.

"Oh my God…" Kyle whispered in horror.

"That's one holy being down." Said Brutos as he pulled the now glowing conch out of the bazooka. Sophia then lashed out at the bazooka.

"You beast!" She snarled as she pointed her sword at the hunter.

"Looks like it's time to flee for now." Brutos took something round out of his pocket and threw it to the ground. Thick smoke began to erupt from it.

"Stop him! He's getting away!"

"After him!"

"Where is he!"

When the smoke cleared, neither Brutos nor the conch shell were here.

"He's gone," Rhinestone said grimly, "he got away."

"He got away with much more than just his life," Buddha said quietly as he looked at Jesus' dead figure on the ground, "he got away with our Super Best Friend."

"Oh Kyle…" Charlie croaked as she cried on his shoulder. Kyle just looked at the dead body, still shock over what happened. He knew religious figures were not invulnerable but he didn't think they could be killed.

The grieving silence was broken when Cartman burst out laughing, "Hahahaahaha, what an asswipe!"


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

"So Einstein brought us religious figures back to life using some kind of toaster and the Order of Religion was set up to protect holy beings from the government. I was locked away because atheism was growing back in '48. Also the guy who wrote this letter; Erastus, says that he's a descendant of Alethea, the founder of the village in Greece, who is also the daughter of Abraham. The Olympians chose her to be Keeper of the Keystones but her grandson, along with the original members of the Pura Fides, journeyed to the New World with the four keystones and separated them to prevent the Tenebris from uprooting the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, which is buried directly beneath Alethea," Zoroaster lamented as Winnates drove the car to their destination. Ike was sitting in the back.

"And Dark Matter is going to uproot the temple during the summer solstice, using the four keystones." Said Winnates.

"Wow," Zoroaster exclaimed, "who would've thought that science would bring religious figures back to life? And Dark Matter, I heard he was crazy, but I didn't think he was this nuts."

"That's why we have to get to the campsite before it's too late!" Winnates explained, "The other religious figures would've arrived there by now."

Zoroaster shifted in his seat uncomfortably, "I can honestly say that they don't want me to help them."

"What makes you think that?"

Zoroaster sighed, "Well I…sort of walked out on them."

"You walked out on them?" Winnates asked incredulously, "Why did you do that?"

"The mission was becoming a living hell, I had to get out of there while I had the chance and besides, they're the heroes, not me. They didn't get locked away by the government or remained hidden from the public. They're the more popular holy beings, everyone treats them with respect. My religion is on the verge of extinction and no one ever gives me a chance to show them my talents," He sighed, "I'm an outcast. A religious figure who is constantly kept in the dark."

There was silence in the car as Winnates took in what the prophet said, "Oh my God," She said, "of course!"

"What?"

"You're not really fed up with the task to find Rhinestone, you're just under the belief that you lack a purpose in life and that's making you feel left out. You took that belief out on the others by leaving them."

"Lacking a purpose?" Zoroaster repeated, "Left out? Was that it?"

"You don't realise it Zoroaster but you do have a purpose," Winnates exclaimed, "you came in contact with Greek Gods and journeyed all the way to Oregon just to find a theologist, but most importantly, you're a religious figure; you lead people in the right direction and show them that good always triumphs over evil."

"I even explored some fake temple just to find some of Jesus' comrades," Zoroaster said as he realised what Winnates, "hey you're right, I do have a purpose. A valid purpose!" He smiled, "And meeting the Super Best Friends and coming with them on this journey is the proof!"

"So now you know, are you still reluctant to meet up with the others?" Winnates asked.

"Hell no! I'm going with you to the campsite and I'm gonna help the holy heroes stop Dark Matter, whether they want me to or not, for I am Zoroaster; Prophet of Ancient Iran!"

"Let's go kick some ass!" Ike yelled from the back.

"I don't see why you assholes are making a big deal of this," Cartman exclaimed to his friends, "you saw Jesus die loads of times."

"Not like this fatass," Said Stan, "not like this."

"This is my fault," Sophia whispered, although she kept her voice steady, tears continued to stream from her eyes, "if I had listened to him, he would still be alive."

"This isn't your fault Sophia," Smith said calmly, "even if you listened, it wouldn't have made a difference. It could've happened to any of us."

Rhinestone looked at the grieving group with sympathy, and then looked at Jesus, "It's not too late. He can still be saved."

Everyone stared at the theologist, "What're you talking about Rhinestone?" Asked Eisen.

"I've studied thousands of conch shells; small ones, big ones, pale ones, ones with patterns on them that I can never make out…"

"Can you get to the point?" Said Krishna.

"I learned that while conch shells are lethal to religious figures, they're also, very fragile." Said Rhinestone.

"I remember," Said Kyle, "Moses was once trapped in a conch shell and we had to break the shell to set him free."

"So what you're saying is if we break the shell…" Said Sophia.

"It'll release Jesus' spirit." Buddha finished.

"So there is hope!" Eisen exclaimed.

"But where is the conch shell?" Asked Butters.

"Brutos was hired by Dark Matter," Stan explained, "he's probably going to Alethea, where Dark Matter is also heading to."

"All right, here's the plan," Smith said to the other Super Best Friends, "We go to Alethea, rescue Jesus' spirit and defeat Dark Matter once and for all."

"And prevent the Hanging Gardens of Babylon from being uprooted." Said Sophia.

"We'll come with you," Stan said to the superhero group, "our parents are all in Alethea and as much as I know how stupid they are, mainly my dad, they need to be rescued."

"And Alethea is my birthplace." Said Andrew, "I need to get back."

"Are you serious?" Cried Cartman, "I'm not risking my ass to save some Greek butthole village. I didn't sign up for this suicide mission!"

"You're helping the Super Best Friends whether you like it or not!" Stan yelled.

"Seriously, who the fuck gives a shit about these stupid assholes!" Asked Cartman.

"Easy…" Said Buddha.

"I mean come _on_, they're not even main characters and you still want to help them?"

"They may not have gotten a lot of appearances but they still saved our lives more than once, including yours!" Stan exclaimed as he poked Cartman in the chest, "So in a way, we owe it to them fatass!"

"Even if you all do plan to go to Alethea, how will you get there?" Eisen asked, "All the flights will get delayed and you can't fly the kids there."

"Iris!" Smith exclaimed.

"Gesundheit." Said Rhinestone.

"No, I mean the Rainbow Goddess. She can teleport us there."

"But none of us haven't seen her since we brought that caravan." Said Butters.

"It's okay, I'm right here!" Iris flew out of the woods and to the group, "Thank God, I thought I'd never find you all."

"Dude, where were you?" Stan asked as Smith allowed the Goddess to rest in his hand.

"That Iranian bastard locked me in a cookie jar!"

"Zoroaster," Krishna guessed, "why am I not surprised that he did that?"

"When I managed to get out of the jar, I found the caravan destroyed and you all gone," Iris explained, "I was flying all over the place trying to find you, and I eventually did. I'm surprised that Sophia is with you."

"I'm surprised that you didn't get eaten by owls." Said Seaman.

"Iris we need your help," Sophia told the Goddess, "we need to get to Alethea and we're hoping that you can teleport us there."

"We Greek Deities always knew this day would come," Said Iris as she took out a gold coloured orb, "when the Tenebris would try to uproot the Babylonian temple again. This orb will take you all directly to Alethea but it's a one-way trip."

"If it means saving this world," Said Sophia, "we're willing to take that risk."

"We wish you good luck in stopping Dark Matter." Said Rhinestone.

"You both aren't coming with us?" Asked Charlie.

"This is your fight," Said Eisen, "we've brought you all this far now you need to finish it without us."

"Wait," Kyle exclaimed before Iris could drop the orb, "Butters, I need you to stay here with Karen."

"I can't come with you guys?" Asked Butters.

"If Karen is the next keeper like Rhinestone said, then she'll just be in more danger there than she is here. Also, we can't leave her on her own with strangers, that's why you have to stay here."

"I understand what you mean," Said Butters as he and Karen joined the theologists, "let me know how you get on when you're done."

"Are you all ready now?" Asked Iris.

"Yes," Said Stan, "take us to back to Alethea.

Iris dropped the orb in front of the group and flew back slightly from the smoke and sparks to join the theologists. In a flash of light, they were gone.

"They're in Alethea now." Said Iris.

"What do we do now?" Asked Butters.

"The only thing we can do now is wait and pray that we're not too late." Rhinestone answered as he watched the sun rise through the trees.

**TO BE CONCLUDED…**


End file.
